I'm Going to Beat This!

Yesterday was very scary. It was a lot of emotion and fear that I didn't know how to deal with. Also yesterday, I got in a huge fight with my parents. I was trying to explain to them what I was going through with PCOS, and especially trying to explain that to my dad is like, impossible. The thing is, no matter how much I tell them what I'm going through, it is frusterating to know that they will never, ever really know what I'm dealing with because they do not have PCOS. They aren't living this, and fighting this every second of every day.

Yesterday was bad. I really, really wish I had some Lush Cosmetics Bubble Bars so I could have taken a bubble bath yesterday. But I didn't. And I'm still okay.

I woke up this morning realizing I was getting ahead of myself. My doctor didn't say I have cushing's sydrome, she said that I MIGHT have it. I am not going to getting upset & worried over nothing. I am not going to let it effect my diet.

And the most important thing I realized? Regardless of what's wrong with me, my weight and my health are going to directly effect it. The healthier and more weight i lose, the better I will feel, the healthier I will be.

I am back on my diet and doing well. I'm going to "deep clean" my room (which is my form of detoxing) and clear my head. I'm going back to the gym and doing my muscle training later.

I know I've got to keep going. And I will not stop. Even if I don't lose a pound. I will keep going.

Oh, also, today is my first day on Metformin. Makes me not want to put any food in my mouth. makes me kind of nauseous. But I have to eat to keep my metabolism up, but hopefully this will help with my body acting so out of wack, and it supposedly helps weight loss for women with PCOS.

Even when you're too busy to diet, you still have to eat healthy.

College is kicking my ass. I have probably the most absurd paper I have ever written in my life due tomorrow, and i'm still 1/3 of the way done. I have been very busy with school, and other things, and when I get busy, it gets harder to stay on my diet. On the 6 week body makeover, you eat 6 small meals a day, ever 2-3 hours. you can't always bring the food you're supposed to be eating with you (grilled chicken doesn't travel that well...) but at the same time, it's hard to be home every 2-3 hours to eat!


but i've been telling myself lately that, no matter how busy I get, I have to still be healthy. Being busy is not an excuse to be fat, and i'm proud that even though i've been busy, i've eating healthy. I even worked out today! for a full hour! I didn't get to do my body sculpting/ muscle building today, but I still have the rest of the week to do it.

I am going to a PCOS doctor tomorrow. I am SOOO excited!!! I know that i'm not going to go in and be cured, but she is a doctor specializing in PCOS and diabetes, and I have sooo many questions I want to ask her about birth control, metformin, and all that stuff. I'm pretty sure I will start going on metformin tomorrow, after last week only losing 1 pound. For women with PCOS, it can a lot harder to lose weight because of hormones. Access estrogen is stored in your cells, and when its released (when you lose weight), it can screw with your insulin levels (another hormone) and make it harder to lose weight. I dunno. it's complicated. I'm not looking for an easy way out, but they say that metformin makes your body lose weight like normal peoples bodies. So maybe things will be better.

I'll update tomorrow right when I get back from the doctor. Woohoo!

Oh, Fuck. On Day 14, I ate a a Hardee's Thickburger.

Sorry for the language, but seriously, oh fuck.
I totally blew my diet last night...

I've been trying not to "go out" with my friends, because mostly we just end up at bars (we're in college) and it's not that I have an issue controlling myself, I usually only drink a little, it's just I hate the fact that alcohol is major empty calories. I've been doing pretty well so far.

Last night though, I took my best friend out. Her fiance dumped her out of nowhere yesterday, and I promised her i'd take her out and get her wasted. We did, and I knew that the circumstances were special and I felt okay with getting drunk. I started with a jack & ginger, my fave, and promised myself I'd only have 1. I did. Then I had vodka & sodas (low in calories). Then I bought my friend a huge shot of jack daniels, so I had one too. Thats when I just kind of got drunk and I lost control. It was cold outside, and I really wanted a Woodchuck Amber (a cider beer), and if I hadn't of been drunk, I would have been able to avoid it. But I really didn't have any willpower...and I got 2 of them =(

But that's not even the worst part- my best friend kept on talking about how she wanted a cheeseburger (by the way, she's 101 pounds and 5'7, don't you hate her?) and ever since she was talking about it I couldn't get it out of my head. I used to always go to hardee's after the bar and get a Thickburger, and thats what I did last night. I KNOW if I wasn't drunk I wouldn't of done it.

I ate it all. I wanted to throw up, but i was so drunk and tired that I didn't. I looked up the nutrition value this morning, knowing that it was going to be bad- figuring maybe 500-600 calories. Oh fuck, I was way off.

Nutrition Info For a Thickburger:
910 Calories.
570 of them from Fat.
64 grams of fat.
21 grams of Saturated Fat.
100 mg of cholestrol
53 carbs

ect ect ect. Are you crying? Because I am.
I had NO IDEA I was eating almost 1000 calories. Sometimes I don't even eat 1000 calories a day. I AM SO MAD

So, it's sunday, and I know I always weigh-in on Sunday, but I might change it to Monday- maybe not for good, but atleast for this week. After all my hard work, I feel like I could've completely blown it for the whole week by eating that. I'm going to drink a TON of water today, hopefully to get all of the bloat out, eat correctly, and weigh in tomorrow.

I'm just so upset.

Things I've Learned:
1. Don't ever eat at Hardee's again. EVER. The nutrition info is retarded.
2. Always find out how many calories are in what you're eating if you don't know. And NEVER ASSUME.
3. Don't get drunk to the point where you can't control yourself.

Updated Final Ultimate Goal- With Date!

For all of those who don't know, I recently finally decided on my exact ideal weight. It's more than just a goal weight- it's a specific weight that if I could weight ANYTHING, I would way this amount: 114.5 pounds. 

I chose this weight because it is equivalent to Zooey Deschanel's exact BMI, and she has what I consider a perfect body. 
At first, this was just an "ultimate goal" weight, that I didn't have a specific date to match. But now, I do!!

My ultimate goal is to be 114.5 pounds by September 13th, 2010.
Why this date? Because September 13, 2010 is the first day of class for the Fall 2010 semester at Savannah College of Art & Design.
I would be living in a new city, starting fresh, with a new body. There couldn't be a better time.

Good news? It's totally do-able. I went to caloriecount.about.com and used their calorie intake advice calculator to determine how many calories I need to eat between now & then. My max daily calories is 1383.

Very, very excited I came up with a date. YAY

I'm about to give up

I got really upset last night, because i'm pretty sure that even after 7 days of straight hard work, I haven't lost very much weight if any. I'm tempted to throw in the towel. I mean if I'm going to eat like this for 7 days, work out, and do everything else but not lose any weight what's the point in killing myself?! I feel hopeless.
I'm determined to give it atleast one more day.
But it's gonna be hard. Because just the thought of eating another chicken breast makes me wanna die.