Epic Fail & We Have a Problem

So if you haven't noticed, I didn't write yesterday. That was a first. I was being slack.
I didn't even log all of my food until the very end of the day- usually once i eat something, I go and immediately log it on caloriecount.about.com

Today, I continued with the slackness but even more so. I fell asleep watching the food network (bad idea) and woke up to Emeril Lagasse pouring peanutbetter and fudge over some icecream/brownie thing. I mean how am i supposed to bounce back from that? So early this morning, I had already decided that I was going to eat some fucking ice cream or chocolate or something today.

Once I had decided that, my mind got totally carried away. I thought of all the other foods i love/crave all the time. I actually opted for a really chicken breast/cranberry/field greens sandwich, which I only ate half of. But then, I ate a reese's cup (serious weakness) and then went for the foods that I promised myself. I went to taco bell/KFC (they are conjoined where i live) and got an order of nachos, and a kid's kfc meal. I also got a snickers ice cream bar.

I threw it all up. I knew I was going to once I ate it. I hated doing it, and it sucked, but it was the easy way out. And I knew that all that food wasn't even worth it, and made me so sad that I had possibly blown my whole diet for nothing.

I threw it all up, and then like two hours later i got STARVING again. i ate a corn dog. it was gross, but i wanted junk food. i had nothing else in my house so I ate three multigrain eggo waffles with butter and syrup. uhhh....yeah. and i didn't throw those up.

I lost focused today, didn't work out, and I don't really know how I just kind of lost all motivation. I mean not ALL motivation, but most of it. It was like the skinny switch switched from "on" to "off" in my head. Part of this whole process, for me atleast, is to figure out things like this so I can avoid them. But I don't know what really triggered this? I mean did waking up to the food network really throw my whole day off? It sounds drastic, but true.

I'm determined to be 100% focused tomorrow. Also, to wake up a HELL of a lot earlier (I woke up at like 2pm today...wtf? not okay.) I have my weigh in in 3 days, and I've got to go all out 100%!
Tomorrow I'm going to follow my diet exactly, drink all of my water, do cardio and do my calisthentics. which means, I have to get to bed. night!

I did something really bad

I feel like I've been defeated. No, I wasn't perfect at my diet, but I was doing really well. I exercised 3 times this week, I did 4 days of body sculpting, I only cheated a little bit on my diet. I got on the scale this morning because after being so upset last night, I felt like I needed to see the scale for myself before I remained upset today too. but I was right. As of this morning, I had only lost 2 pounds.

before I go off even more about that, I'm going to wait until tomorrow where I actually do my weight in.

But tonight, I did something bad.

First, I want to say that I live with my parents. They are not on a diet. Atleast my dad isn't...he eats terribly. Today, he brought home like 8 things of asian takeout. I probably could have avoided it, but honestly, I ate a another burrito this morning (i know, i'm so upset) and with what my scale said, i was just like FUCK IT. I ate two eggrolls and a two bites of Sweet & Sour Pork. it wasn't worth it. so I threw it up.

and then, I got this care package in the mail from my church. They send them off to kids that have gone to college. Um...completely full of food. Like...goldfish, snickers, starburst, rice krispys, gum, chips, cookies, everything. I mean, you've GOT to be kidding me, right? what the hell is that? a death sentence?

I binged. I ate a snickers bar, a rice krispy treat, half of a pack of starburst, and some fruit snacks. I immediately got a headache. I got really full. It wasn't worth it. I threw it up. I'm really disappointed in myself. I honestly don't even want to think about it. I'm not like...bullimic, and I know how dangerous it is to do something like this. I think just with the negativity of the day, from knowing that i've made such little progress, i just developed the "fuck it" mentality. And I mean seriously, opening that package was like....it was so overwhelming. It was like I was a recovering junkie opening a package and 20 things of heroin pop out or something. I just immediately started eating. and then I threw the rest away.

But seriously, one thing that just KILLS me is the way my parents eat. Almost every night they want to eat out (it's mainly my dad) and my mom just goes along with it. Why do family members stock up on food that they know you love and know you can't eat? It's cruel. I told my mom, and she agreed, and she went downtstairs and threw it all out. Good. Because if it wasn't thrown out right now, I'd probably go and eat some right now.

Gotta stay strong. Gotta stay strong. I'm hoping tomorrow won't be as bad as I think. At the very least, losing some inches would be nice.