When Depression Hits, it Hurts.

I'm not sure if you're going to be able to understand this post because none of you really know who i am. And that's okay- actually, that's good- i like it like that.

I used to "go out" all the time. almost every night. i have a big/ massive extended of friends, i know almost everyone in the town I live in. I am lucky also, because I have more than a few very close friends. I know I am lucky, because I used to not have any friends at all. Which is why lately i've been thinking it's so weird how I've been pushing people away. and then tonight, the whole thing kind of slapped me in the face.

First of all, I used to always "go out" and hang out with all of these "cool people" because I was so insecure with myself. My ex boyfriend, who I was completely in love with, broke my heart and also left me very vunerable & insecure. When we dated, I was very young & emotional and dramatic. As a result, I didn't have a lot of friends. When we broke up, I finally grew up and was determined to prove to him that I could be friends with all of these people. And so I became very very social. And it worked. I started throwing house shows in my living room, brunch at my house on sundays, going to all these parties and just being confident and being friendly. it totally worked. In return, I have a ton of great friends. But in the back of my head, I always thought to myself "once he sees that i've grown up and i'm cool and have all these friends now, he'll want to get back together with me". And he hasn't gotten back together with me. Which is fine. i've moved on, for the most part (thats another issue in itself), but now that I know that there is nothing left to prove, I get bored. serves me right, though. I totally had it coming.

And I also get very, very, insecure now that I weigh as much as I do. It is hard being friends with the people I am friends with, because I swear they are all skinny and beautiful. Seriously, some of the most beautiful people you willl ever see. And not the fake concieted tanning bed dyed hair type of pretty either- like the naturally pretty i can dress like a pumpkin on halloween and still look completely gorgeous type of pretty. And the most handsome boys, too. And the best/worst part? They are the greatest people you will ever meet. Seriously, I love my friends. But as great as they are, it makes me feel so insecure when I am around them. Lots of them are dating, and have been dating for a while. Or they are seeing someone, or interested in someone, or hanging out with someone. I have no one.

I've never felt so alone in my life. I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. But I am writing this for hope that someone will hear me. Does it ever get any better? I didn't use to be like this. I have never really been thin, but there was a time in my life that i was  confident with how I looked. I have been told by people that I look like a porcelin (sp) doll, and that if they were ever as naturally pretty as me they would never wear makeup or do anything with my hair. and it's nice to hear. But i feel so disgusting.

And it sucks, because I know confidence is everything. I know it is. I've witnessed it, I've said it, I've done it. Confidence is without a doubt the sexiest thing anyone can have. But mine went out the door a long time ago.

Maybe it was when most of my clothes stopped fitting. Maybe it was when I started to avoid the camera. Maybe it was when my acne got worse and no matter what wasn't getting better, or when I started growing hair under my chin, or when I got 7 inch stretch marks on my stomach. i mean, how the hell can you feel confident with that?

And the worst part...when I feel like this, I run for food. Literally, run to it. Thank god Taco Bell was closed before I got to it, because who knows what I would have eaten.

I know I should be confident with myself always, and I am to a certain degree. But not with my looks, not now atleast. There is a huge part of me that doesn't even want to think about being confident with how I am right now, because I feel like if I am then I will just accept how I am and be fat forever. And I don't want to. i don't want to be fat anymore.

I don't want to be fat so people will like me, because they already do. but I don't want to be fat anymore because I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to be able to wear anything I want and all the cute dresses I have, and not always wear black because I try not to stick out. I want to be confident in myself, I want to exude confidence, I want to remember how to flirt with boys, to always want to take pictures, to always want to go out, to go to the beach with my friends, to ride bikes with everyone, to not worry about what I look like sweaty or with my hair pulled up because if i'm confident it won't matter. I just want to be my best, and I'm not right now. And I'm wasting my life. Every second I live like this, I am wasting. Especially lately- I don't even feel like I am living. just looking into the life I could be having if i wasn't fat.

It makes me lonely, because I push everyone away because I'm embarassed to have people around me. I hold onto the idea of my exboyfriend because 

i barely ate today. i was busy. i binged yesterday, but i  got sick and threw it all up =(.

i want to get this shit over with. 6WBM diet is going 100% on tomorrow, november 1st ,and its gonna be awesome. It's hard to follow, but I just need to give it ONE DAY.ONE DAY where I follow it EXACTLY. And then the next day, I'll do the same. And then the day after that.

I've got to. Because I can't live like this anymore.

I feel like I cheated, but I still did pretty well.

One good thing about being on such a strict diet, is even if you're "cheating", you're probably still not eating very many calories. For example, today I consumed 1,096 calories. It's more than I would consume if I followed this diet 100%, but today I was busy running around and going to class and I had no time to go home and really eat what I was supposed to.

I have also definintely come to the conclusion that mornings are the hardest for me. I wake up CRAVING junk food. I think it's a bad habit, because for years I would always get fast food for breakfast, or starbucks sweet coffee drinks & a muffin, or whatever. So i've got to train my brain back into not thinking like this when I wake up.

This morning was no exception. i woke up craving coffee and crumbleberry cake from starbucks! i knew there was no way i could have that. I went to my dermatologist this morning (more on that later) so i decided to stop in at my favorite restaurant ever, called Just Fresh, and get my favorite wrap- but it's kinda fatty. It's called a Little Red Rooster, and has Roasted Chicken, Lettuce, Tomato, applewood bacon, ham, provolone cheese, and honey dijon vinagrette wrapped in a tomato and basil wrap. I got no cheese, which was saving calories. Just Fresh is a very small chain, and I couldn't find any nutritional info for the sandwhich. So I just did my best guess and searched all the ingredients on calorie count. I also had a chargrilled chicken sandwhich from Chikfila (only 260 calories) and a nonfat caramel machiato iced from starbucks (only 190 calories). I had some grilled chicken and pinapple for a snack, so all in all I didn't do that bad. I mean, it wasn't Six Week Body Makeover friendly, but my calories were less than 1383 (which is my daily limit no matter what).

I also went to the gym today. I could only walk for like 30 minutes though....i was in pain. This medicine is still making me sick. Honestly I'm proud of myself that I even went, because I really was exhausted and didn't feel well. But after reading some of these posts on here, I have had it drilled into my head that even SOME exercise is better than NONE. It's so true. And I feel glad i did it.

So i went to my dermatologist today. My $500 dollar fancy shcmancy antibiotics for my acne are not working. It makes sense though, because my acne is not caused by bacteria- with everything i put on my skin, it very well kept & clean. So  I decided to start taking Spirolacatone (spelled wrong... aka Spiro). It is a diuretic and an androgen blocker. Androgens are the different variations of the male hormone, testosterone, which is what causes my acne. It takes a while, but hopefully it really helps.
I was on the lowest Tazorac cream (.05% cream) so she gave me samples of all the other higher types- ranging from highest to lowest: .05% gel, .1% cream, .1% gel. I'm going to start with the .05% gel tonight and see if it makes a difference. Tazorac SHOULD dry my skin out a little, which is hasn't done, so i'm going to increase the doses slowly until I find what works.


I was doing very well on my diet....and then I ate a bunch of chips & guacamole =( My friends and I made a late night trip to super wal mart and there was soooo many things I wanted to eat there. But I have been craving chips & guac for such a long time, so I opted for that, knowing it would satisfy my cravings instead of eating a bunch of halloween candy that my friends bought. I did eat a little too much though...i'm estimating about 400 calories worth. like 15 chips (which is like 200 calories and 1 1/2 snack packs of guacamole (150 calories all together). I dunno...honestly i'm not too disappointed with what I did. I wish I wouldve eaten less, but I'm happier that I made a healthy choice even though I really wanted to eat an entire bag of reese's pumpkins.


but like i said, this is a lifestyle change! any healthy choice is improvement.

A list of rewards for when I reach a goal!

I have all these little things I want to do, but I don't have money for. Luckily (and unluckily) I have parents that want nothing more for me except lose weight. That's another story in itself, but the good thing about losing weight is I know once I meet certain goals, I'll have certain rewards that I can look forward to as I progress. These aren't things picked out by my parents, it's all my choices, but i know that with every goal i meet they will be supportive & help me (financially) get the rewards. i'm in a hard college and taking 19 hours this semester...they want me to focus on school & getting healthy, since those are the most important things. I'm lucky to have parents that can support me financially I know, but I am on scholarship to school so i'm saving them a tonnnn of money.

190 pounds- Stretch Mark Cream!!
175- Formula 37 - a hair growing kid with vitamins, shampoo & conditioner. my hair doesn't grow, and this is a money back gaurantee!
160- Get my hair colored!!
145- Keratin hair treatment! I had this done once, and omg
130- clothes!!!!
115- Hair extensions!! (my hair doesn't grow very fast, and never has. i've always wanted extensions)

these are subject to change...the first 2 i know will not, but we'll see what happens!!