When Depression Hits, it Hurts.

I'm not sure if you're going to be able to understand this post because none of you really know who i am. And that's okay- actually, that's good- i like it like that.

I used to "go out" all the time. almost every night. i have a big/ massive extended of friends, i know almost everyone in the town I live in. I am lucky also, because I have more than a few very close friends. I know I am lucky, because I used to not have any friends at all. Which is why lately i've been thinking it's so weird how I've been pushing people away. and then tonight, the whole thing kind of slapped me in the face.

First of all, I used to always "go out" and hang out with all of these "cool people" because I was so insecure with myself. My ex boyfriend, who I was completely in love with, broke my heart and also left me very vunerable & insecure. When we dated, I was very young & emotional and dramatic. As a result, I didn't have a lot of friends. When we broke up, I finally grew up and was determined to prove to him that I could be friends with all of these people. And so I became very very social. And it worked. I started throwing house shows in my living room, brunch at my house on sundays, going to all these parties and just being confident and being friendly. it totally worked. In return, I have a ton of great friends. But in the back of my head, I always thought to myself "once he sees that i've grown up and i'm cool and have all these friends now, he'll want to get back together with me". And he hasn't gotten back together with me. Which is fine. i've moved on, for the most part (thats another issue in itself), but now that I know that there is nothing left to prove, I get bored. serves me right, though. I totally had it coming.

And I also get very, very, insecure now that I weigh as much as I do. It is hard being friends with the people I am friends with, because I swear they are all skinny and beautiful. Seriously, some of the most beautiful people you willl ever see. And not the fake concieted tanning bed dyed hair type of pretty either- like the naturally pretty i can dress like a pumpkin on halloween and still look completely gorgeous type of pretty. And the most handsome boys, too. And the best/worst part? They are the greatest people you will ever meet. Seriously, I love my friends. But as great as they are, it makes me feel so insecure when I am around them. Lots of them are dating, and have been dating for a while. Or they are seeing someone, or interested in someone, or hanging out with someone. I have no one.

I've never felt so alone in my life. I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. But I am writing this for hope that someone will hear me. Does it ever get any better? I didn't use to be like this. I have never really been thin, but there was a time in my life that i was  confident with how I looked. I have been told by people that I look like a porcelin (sp) doll, and that if they were ever as naturally pretty as me they would never wear makeup or do anything with my hair. and it's nice to hear. But i feel so disgusting.

And it sucks, because I know confidence is everything. I know it is. I've witnessed it, I've said it, I've done it. Confidence is without a doubt the sexiest thing anyone can have. But mine went out the door a long time ago.

Maybe it was when most of my clothes stopped fitting. Maybe it was when I started to avoid the camera. Maybe it was when my acne got worse and no matter what wasn't getting better, or when I started growing hair under my chin, or when I got 7 inch stretch marks on my stomach. i mean, how the hell can you feel confident with that?

And the worst part...when I feel like this, I run for food. Literally, run to it. Thank god Taco Bell was closed before I got to it, because who knows what I would have eaten.

I know I should be confident with myself always, and I am to a certain degree. But not with my looks, not now atleast. There is a huge part of me that doesn't even want to think about being confident with how I am right now, because I feel like if I am then I will just accept how I am and be fat forever. And I don't want to. i don't want to be fat anymore.

I don't want to be fat so people will like me, because they already do. but I don't want to be fat anymore because I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to be able to wear anything I want and all the cute dresses I have, and not always wear black because I try not to stick out. I want to be confident in myself, I want to exude confidence, I want to remember how to flirt with boys, to always want to take pictures, to always want to go out, to go to the beach with my friends, to ride bikes with everyone, to not worry about what I look like sweaty or with my hair pulled up because if i'm confident it won't matter. I just want to be my best, and I'm not right now. And I'm wasting my life. Every second I live like this, I am wasting. Especially lately- I don't even feel like I am living. just looking into the life I could be having if i wasn't fat.

It makes me lonely, because I push everyone away because I'm embarassed to have people around me. I hold onto the idea of my exboyfriend because 

i barely ate today. i was busy. i binged yesterday, but i  got sick and threw it all up =(.

i want to get this shit over with. 6WBM diet is going 100% on tomorrow, november 1st ,and its gonna be awesome. It's hard to follow, but I just need to give it ONE DAY.ONE DAY where I follow it EXACTLY. And then the next day, I'll do the same. And then the day after that.

I've got to. Because I can't live like this anymore.