I'm not sure if you're going to be able to understand this post because none of you really know who i am. And that's okay- actually, that's good- i like it like that.
I used to "go out" all the time. almost every night. i have a big/ massive extended of friends, i know almost everyone in the town I live in. I am lucky also, because I have more than a few very close friends. I know I am lucky, because I used to not have any friends at all. Which is why lately i've been thinking it's so weird how I've been pushing people away. and then tonight, the whole thing kind of slapped me in the face.
First of all, I used to always "go out" and hang out with all of these "cool people" because I was so insecure with myself. My ex boyfriend, who I was completely in love with, broke my heart and also left me very vunerable & insecure. When we dated, I was very young & emotional and dramatic. As a result, I didn't have a lot of friends. When we broke up, I finally grew up and was determined to prove to him that I could be friends with all of these people. And so I became very very social. And it worked. I started throwing house shows in my living room, brunch at my house on sundays, going to all these parties and just being confident and being friendly. it totally worked. In return, I have a ton of great friends. But in the back of my head, I always thought to myself "once he sees that i've grown up and i'm cool and have all these friends now, he'll want to get back together with me". And he hasn't gotten back together with me. Which is fine. i've moved on, for the most part (thats another issue in itself), but now that I know that there is nothing left to prove, I get bored. serves me right, though. I totally had it coming.
And I also get very, very, insecure now that I weigh as much as I do. It is hard being friends with the people I am friends with, because I swear they are all skinny and beautiful. Seriously, some of the most beautiful people you willl ever see. And not the fake concieted tanning bed dyed hair type of pretty either- like the naturally pretty i can dress like a pumpkin on halloween and still look completely gorgeous type of pretty. And the most handsome boys, too. And the best/worst part? They are the greatest people you will ever meet. Seriously, I love my friends. But as great as they are, it makes me feel so insecure when I am around them. Lots of them are dating, and have been dating for a while. Or they are seeing someone, or interested in someone, or hanging out with someone. I have no one.
I've never felt so alone in my life. I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. But I am writing this for hope that someone will hear me. Does it ever get any better? I didn't use to be like this. I have never really been thin, but there was a time in my life that i was confident with how I looked. I have been told by people that I look like a porcelin (sp) doll, and that if they were ever as naturally pretty as me they would never wear makeup or do anything with my hair. and it's nice to hear. But i feel so disgusting.
And it sucks, because I know confidence is everything. I know it is. I've witnessed it, I've said it, I've done it. Confidence is without a doubt the sexiest thing anyone can have. But mine went out the door a long time ago.
Maybe it was when most of my clothes stopped fitting. Maybe it was when I started to avoid the camera. Maybe it was when my acne got worse and no matter what wasn't getting better, or when I started growing hair under my chin, or when I got 7 inch stretch marks on my stomach. i mean, how the hell can you feel confident with that?
And the worst part...when I feel like this, I run for food. Literally, run to it. Thank god Taco Bell was closed before I got to it, because who knows what I would have eaten.
I know I should be confident with myself always, and I am to a certain degree. But not with my looks, not now atleast. There is a huge part of me that doesn't even want to think about being confident with how I am right now, because I feel like if I am then I will just accept how I am and be fat forever. And I don't want to. i don't want to be fat anymore.
I don't want to be fat so people will like me, because they already do. but I don't want to be fat anymore because I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to be able to wear anything I want and all the cute dresses I have, and not always wear black because I try not to stick out. I want to be confident in myself, I want to exude confidence, I want to remember how to flirt with boys, to always want to take pictures, to always want to go out, to go to the beach with my friends, to ride bikes with everyone, to not worry about what I look like sweaty or with my hair pulled up because if i'm confident it won't matter. I just want to be my best, and I'm not right now. And I'm wasting my life. Every second I live like this, I am wasting. Especially lately- I don't even feel like I am living. just looking into the life I could be having if i wasn't fat.
It makes me lonely, because I push everyone away because I'm embarassed to have people around me. I hold onto the idea of my exboyfriend because
i barely ate today. i was busy. i binged yesterday, but i got sick and threw it all up =(.
i want to get this shit over with. 6WBM diet is going 100% on tomorrow, november 1st ,and its gonna be awesome. It's hard to follow, but I just need to give it ONE DAY.ONE DAY where I follow it EXACTLY. And then the next day, I'll do the same. And then the day after that.
I've got to. Because I can't live like this anymore.
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It does get better. I still struggle with "issues" every day but when I compare how I am now to how I was when I was 18, 19, 20, I can see how different I was then and there were times back then when I felt like I was in a black hole and there was no way out but I did get out of it. And this is the time in your life when even a year can make a HUUUGE difference. I don't know if there's a time in your life when you stop evolving, but the rate of evolution is pretty damn fast in the late teen, early 20s years...
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are not confident- I feel the same way. I am constantly struggling with my self-confidence, and I think that a part of me always will, no matter what I weigh. Just remember that you have really good friends (you are very lucky in that) who love you for you. And you're only wanting to lose weight for you, which is the most important thing, period. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk! Stay strong.
ReplyDelete((())) I am sorry that your feeling down. This is my first visit to your blog so I don't *know* you but my thoughts are with you. I have struggled with the same running for food but I am slowly learning to step away. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteyes, I think anybody who has become overweight feels insecure. Hell, I am 5'3 and was 262 lbs. My husband was a green beret...six ft. 4 inches, 200lbs of pure muscle. Curly brown hair and hazel eyes. People look at you as a couple and probaly wondered why he picked me? Now, that was the surface. Underneath, he was a depressed and angry alcholic. I was the person who could be counted on. You see, sometimes God gives us limitations so we can grow internally before working on the shell. I spent years becoming the person I wanted to be on the inside, and when my inside was ready, my outide followed. Confidence is everything, knowing you are capable of achieving what you wish and desire is key to not only losing weight, but being happy. Cleopatra was not that attractive, but she was renowned for the men who threw themselves at her. Why? She knew what she had. You have to look at yourself honestly, don't just check off the negatives, look at your positives..enhance them, and begin to work on the things that you don't like. You are doing fantastic with the diet and exercise, don't let a negative tape running in your head dictate your feelings. Rewrite that tape and say the things you would say to a friend, to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better tomorrow. I am nodding ff so this is probably a rambling diatribe. Will come back by tomorrow to see how you are. Have a great night.
I keep reading this over and over because I want to say something but Im not sure what. I felt every ounce of your pain when I first read it...I have no words to really make you feel better but I want to let you know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do, in pushing people away. To this day I still push people away and they all think Im stuck up or weird or both, but I cant help it. You have been blessed with oodles of friends and I think thats a great start. Maybe one of them can join you on a walk on designated days? Walking-to me-has always bonded me with others.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you feel better soon.
It's so hard; I always find myself figuring out if I'm the biggest one in the room, which is humiliating. I didn't always used to be like this either; I used to be one of those twiggy girls, but then I quit smoking and got PCOS and took eating and not exercising for granted and--well, yuck.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head high. If you are a good person, that's there inside of you.
And hang in there. You're not alone.
xo
Molly
http://roots-andwings.blogspot.com/
That machine on my blog is a precor ami100....I get on it at the gym but it actually sells for 5995....maybe your parents would pony up if you wanted one? Never know. It's a great workout. Hope your feeling better.
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing now? It's been a few weeks--just checking in!
ReplyDelete- Molly
http://www.roots-andwings.blogspot.com/