me? well...

Every year since I was born, I've gained 10 pounds. At 19, I reached my highest weight ever- 206.4. I developed PCOS and am struggling and determined to get myself back into shape. This is my daily food log. I'm hoping whoever reads it can learn from it, and teach me something in return. We all need friends and motivation at some point.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Updated Measurements

Chin/Head: 24.5
Chest: 39.0
Upper Left Arm: 14.0
Lower left Arm: 10.0
Upper RightArm: 15.0
Lower Right Arm: 11.0
Bust: 44.0
Waist: 38.5
Torso (right below belly butto): 47
Hips (right above butt, below "tire"): 45.0
Butt: 45.0
Upper Left Thigh: 28.5
Mid Left Thigh:24.0
Above Left Knee: 18.5
Left Calf: 16.0
Upper Right Thigh: 28.5
Mid Right Thigh: 24.5
Above Right Knee: 18.5
Right Calf:15.5
Total: 507
Difference (since week 2): 0 inches

so even though i've lost weight, i basically haven't lost any inches. the definite difference? I was doing these band-strength training exercises four times a week. definitely going to start doing that again!

I'm BACK!!! I missed you all. Major Update! Weight/Skin

Hi everyone!  I know it's been almost a month since I've posted anything, I'm really sorry.

Usually I'm very good with keeping up with everything, but this is my first semester at college and this last month has been hitting me HARD. I never imagined in my life having the amount of work that I have. I literally spend hours at the coffee shop down the street and just do homework and projects, it's crazy.

Luckily though, I have good news- for the most part, I have still been keeping up with my diet (with some changes being made). So far, I've lost 11 pounds! I am down to 195.4 pounds!

A lot of you know that in the beginning of all this, I was getting sooo discouraged because I was eating nothing, working out, drinking a ton of water, and not losing weight. Then I went to the doctor and I got put on Metformin, a blood glucose lowering medicine. It has helped soooo much. My cravings are way down when I take it, and my food DIGESTS it doesn't just sit in my body and turn into fat. I feel like it's upped my metabolism a lot.

So even though I've lost weight, I haven't been working out, simply because I've been so busy with school. However, I've been eating very little and I'm much more aware of what I eat.

The 6 Week Body Makeover diet was a no go. With all the effort I put into it and such little results, I decided against it. I'm the type of person that would rather not eat ANYTHING than eat either the same things everyday and/or really bland, gross food. There is nothing more that I hate than trying to force food down because it's gross, and you still don't want it even though you're really hungry because it's just THAT nasty. I still think it's a great diet but for some reason it just didn't work for me...

Also, acne/tazorac update: my skin looks soooo much better!! If you don't remember, I had really bad acne. On a scale from 1 to 10 it was like a 7. Nothing worked...i tried everything. Then I went to the dermatologist and started Tazorac .1% gel at night, Aczone in the morning, and I am taking Spironolactone (which won't start working for 6 months, though). So here is what happened with the Tazorac...
My skin started improving within 2-3 weeks. It wasn't completely better, but there was deffinetly a different, and people were telling me my skin looked great, so I knew it wasn't just me. Then on week 6-7 maybe, (about a week ago) my skin got SO dry. As a result, I had a pretty bad breakout session for about a week. But now its gone, and my skin is looks like it did on the week 2-3 period. I currently do not have any active "cysts" (or like bigger zits) on my face at all, I have one that is healing, and two little ones that are healing. I still have some blackheads/scaring/whiteheads, but its all very small compared to what my skin used to be.
I highly, highly reccomend this stuff! seriously it is the only thing that has ever worked for me, and just like everyone else, I have tried everything. If you have any questions feel free to ask!

So my skin getting better is a huge, huge plus for me. But something really terrible/scary/weird happened last week, also.
Every night and every morning and whenever I get out of the shower, I put lotion all over my body. As a result, I am very, very aware of the stretch marks I have and where they are/where they end. I woke up one morning, after getting out of the shower and was putting lotion on my arms and I felt something weird on the back of my felt like little wavy indentations in my skin....i looked in the mirror, and i had stretch marks on the back of my arm. They were NOT there the night before, and who the hell gets stretch marks on somewhere like the back of your arm when you've LOST 11 pounds? what is that?
It gets better...I look down and the stretch marks on my stomach have grown like 3 inches...they are now PAST my bellybutton, almost to my ribs. the weirdest part? my belly isn't even THAT big! with these stretch marks, you would guess that i'd recently had a set of triplets or something. What is going on?
So I had a meltdown....i felt like my body was ripping apart and stretch marks are the scariest, ugliest thing to me. I still don't know whats going on because even though I called my doctors office immediately, they didn't call me back, and now the office is closed for the holiday. But first thing monday morning, they're hearing from me.

Soo....theres the good and bad news I guess. I also just want to say I am so thankful for everyone who reads my blog and gives me support...I hope everything has been going well with all of you, i will do my best to try to catch-up on your posts for the most part to see how yall have been doing! Don't worry, i didn't forget about you!!

Current goal is to try to add some exercise back into my schedule. Not even for losing weight, because i'm not sure if it has an effect on my body like that, but just because I feel better after I exercise. I just got the old stationary bike working again and it's in my room, so i'm gonna go have at it!


Sunday, November 1, 2009

When Depression Hits, it Hurts.

I'm not sure if you're going to be able to understand this post because none of you really know who i am. And that's okay- actually, that's good- i like it like that.

I used to "go out" all the time. almost every night. i have a big/ massive extended of friends, i know almost everyone in the town I live in. I am lucky also, because I have more than a few very close friends. I know I am lucky, because I used to not have any friends at all. Which is why lately i've been thinking it's so weird how I've been pushing people away. and then tonight, the whole thing kind of slapped me in the face.

First of all, I used to always "go out" and hang out with all of these "cool people" because I was so insecure with myself. My ex boyfriend, who I was completely in love with, broke my heart and also left me very vunerable & insecure. When we dated, I was very young & emotional and dramatic. As a result, I didn't have a lot of friends. When we broke up, I finally grew up and was determined to prove to him that I could be friends with all of these people. And so I became very very social. And it worked. I started throwing house shows in my living room, brunch at my house on sundays, going to all these parties and just being confident and being friendly. it totally worked. In return, I have a ton of great friends. But in the back of my head, I always thought to myself "once he sees that i've grown up and i'm cool and have all these friends now, he'll want to get back together with me". And he hasn't gotten back together with me. Which is fine. i've moved on, for the most part (thats another issue in itself), but now that I know that there is nothing left to prove, I get bored. serves me right, though. I totally had it coming.

And I also get very, very, insecure now that I weigh as much as I do. It is hard being friends with the people I am friends with, because I swear they are all skinny and beautiful. Seriously, some of the most beautiful people you willl ever see. And not the fake concieted tanning bed dyed hair type of pretty either- like the naturally pretty i can dress like a pumpkin on halloween and still look completely gorgeous type of pretty. And the most handsome boys, too. And the best/worst part? They are the greatest people you will ever meet. Seriously, I love my friends. But as great as they are, it makes me feel so insecure when I am around them. Lots of them are dating, and have been dating for a while. Or they are seeing someone, or interested in someone, or hanging out with someone. I have no one.

I've never felt so alone in my life. I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. But I am writing this for hope that someone will hear me. Does it ever get any better? I didn't use to be like this. I have never really been thin, but there was a time in my life that i was  confident with how I looked. I have been told by people that I look like a porcelin (sp) doll, and that if they were ever as naturally pretty as me they would never wear makeup or do anything with my hair. and it's nice to hear. But i feel so disgusting.

And it sucks, because I know confidence is everything. I know it is. I've witnessed it, I've said it, I've done it. Confidence is without a doubt the sexiest thing anyone can have. But mine went out the door a long time ago.

Maybe it was when most of my clothes stopped fitting. Maybe it was when I started to avoid the camera. Maybe it was when my acne got worse and no matter what wasn't getting better, or when I started growing hair under my chin, or when I got 7 inch stretch marks on my stomach. i mean, how the hell can you feel confident with that?

And the worst part...when I feel like this, I run for food. Literally, run to it. Thank god Taco Bell was closed before I got to it, because who knows what I would have eaten.

I know I should be confident with myself always, and I am to a certain degree. But not with my looks, not now atleast. There is a huge part of me that doesn't even want to think about being confident with how I am right now, because I feel like if I am then I will just accept how I am and be fat forever. And I don't want to. i don't want to be fat anymore.

I don't want to be fat so people will like me, because they already do. but I don't want to be fat anymore because I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to be able to wear anything I want and all the cute dresses I have, and not always wear black because I try not to stick out. I want to be confident in myself, I want to exude confidence, I want to remember how to flirt with boys, to always want to take pictures, to always want to go out, to go to the beach with my friends, to ride bikes with everyone, to not worry about what I look like sweaty or with my hair pulled up because if i'm confident it won't matter. I just want to be my best, and I'm not right now. And I'm wasting my life. Every second I live like this, I am wasting. Especially lately- I don't even feel like I am living. just looking into the life I could be having if i wasn't fat.

It makes me lonely, because I push everyone away because I'm embarassed to have people around me. I hold onto the idea of my exboyfriend because 

i barely ate today. i was busy. i binged yesterday, but i  got sick and threw it all up =(.

i want to get this shit over with. 6WBM diet is going 100% on tomorrow, november 1st ,and its gonna be awesome. It's hard to follow, but I just need to give it ONE DAY.ONE DAY where I follow it EXACTLY. And then the next day, I'll do the same. And then the day after that.

I've got to. Because I can't live like this anymore.